Four Tables at Every Brunch

1. Couple (only in the literal sense of the word meaning two people. They aren't an item) that clearly just met one another and are only here after a night of sex. They figured they'd stop here and kill time while they wait for the pharmacy next door to open. Can you take the morning after pill with alcohol? It'll be truly adorable when they finally learn each others' last names.

2. Table full of twenty-something women/girls. Depending on your definition. That bitch Amanda wasn't invited this time because she didn't make Kelsey one of her bridesmaids. The mimosa was invented for this table. It's just one more stop on the weekend drinking train and delay the inevitable transition into real adulthood. Orange juice is made of fruit. That's kind of adult. Kind of. One of their names is Emma, otherwise it doesn't count.

3. Couple that clearly hates each other and has been together so long that they're in too deep to call it quits because both are terrified of the prospect of being alone. Brunch to them is just another cog in the wheel of something to do and fantasize . They're going through the motions and these motions are that they can drink and stare at each other while eating something new. Maybe one of them will work up enough courage to suggest and open relationship. Otherwise it's just drunken naps in separate rooms of the apartment later.

4. Happy family. Mom, dad, two kids. One toddler making a mess. This is the first breakfast in six months that doesn't involve premade chocolate milk and Pop-Tarts for the kids. Kids are playing a game on their separate iPads and still finding a way to argue with each other. This is quality family time. Dad is currently trying to ogle the waitress while in between pretending to listen to his wife talk about how the new girl at work is clearly trying to turn Linda from accounting against her.

9 Ways to make your Kentucky Derby Awesome

Because horses, that's why.

1. For the ladies, the more elaborate your hat the better. For a small fee Gary Busey will remove his teeth and mail them to you to glue to your hat for a decorative spin that will make you the belle of the ball. You better hurry though. Supplies are limited since it takes 24 hours for Gary Busey to grow a new row of teeth and he only has 100 teeth per row.

2. Check out the Kentucky Derby Museum. For a limited time the price of admission includes a photo op with one of Secretariat's knee caps on display.

3. Play a fun guessing game to figure out which adults shorter than 5 ft tall are jockeys and which are illegal immigrants working in the horse stalls. The answers may surprise you!! Loser has to sit on the toilet seat of an infield Port-a-Pot for 30 seconds.

4. When entering the gates, joke with security that you're sneaking in alcohol by inserting it in your rectum. When they do the cavity search, they'll have a good laugh when there is no alcohol, but just a note that says "Gotcha!".

5. Add a fun twist to the Mint Julep by taking out the bourbon, sugar, and mint and replacing it with a drink that tastes good.

6. While in town, check out some of Louisville's lesser known attractions. Among them are a Rally's with indoor seating, a TGI Friday's with a painting of a horse race at the bar, some guy that still uses a pager, a Chipotle with this guy working that sometimes will hook you up with guac without making you pay extra if you seem cool, a restaurant that serves A&W AND Long John Silver's (I'm like WHAAAT?!?), and a shopping mall with a place to charge your phone while you sit in a circle with a bunch of strangers.

7. For an authentic Louisville experience, get drunk on bourbon, carry a Louisville slugger into a KFC and threaten to "go all Muhammad Ali on someone's ass unless you get a mouth stuffed with chicken". Afterwards apply for a job at Humana and ask everyone you see where they went to high school.

8. The track is a great place for celebrity watching. Among celebs rumored to be at this year's races are: the guy that played DJ on Roseanne, Linda Tripp, the former bass player from Lifehouse, Taylor Swift, "Touched by an Angel" star Della Reese, and sixth season American Idol contest Sanjaya Malakar. Since we don't want to perpetuate rumors we decided to verify and yes, these people are all still alive.

9. It's a little known fact, but you can bet on ANYTHING at the windows, not just horse races. Think of it like a secret menu. Bets placed in the past have included "Which member of Rockapella will quit first?", "Is that thing on Adam Levine's face infected?", and "Did Hitler fake his suicide and is still alive and working as a fry cook in Myrtle Beach under the assumed name Dolph Bitler?"

Have fun and just remember. No matter what happens, some horse will embarrass itself by coming in dead last.