How Dating Apps are Like 1990s Toys

When I was a kid in the early 1990s, there was a novelty item on the market called "Monster in my Pocket". Being too young to laugh at the glaring innuendo and a child always a fan of the obscure, I embraced the trend with full on enthusiasm. The monsters were strange. Most of them were not anything I hadn't seen in movies or books, but a few were. The monsters really didn't do much, other than set and look strange. On the bottoms were carved a number so you could "do battle" with other monsters like some primitive Pokemon. They came prearranged, signed, sealed and delivered to end up in, not your pocket, but on display amongst the sea of other toys in your bedroom that you've decided you've grown bored with. I suppose lacking any kind of movements for functions was a trick to inspire imagination into the children, but likely was a tactic to avoid putting too much effort into something to market, sell, and cash a check. After all, each monster was completely monochrome in person but the packages, designed to catch a 6 year old's eye, were very elaborate, enticing, and graphic. Like all toys, they became a relic of a time when I wasn't too cool to play with toys and eventually took a place on the shelf in the back of my mind reserved for nostalgia--a place that I revisit when I'm stressed with the adult world, drinking (just enough), or browsing Buzzfeed.

Instead of concerning myself with the imagination and the micro chasm of characters I create for my friends and I, I've graduated to carrying the wealth of human knowledge in my pocket instead. Of course, we never call it this. Most people just call it a phone. With the same distance I reach for my car keys, I can reach to access to find out a list of Babylonian kings, how to fold a pocket square, or the winner of the 1939 World Series. With it, I also have access to people in this world that I would never have had the chance to encounter otherwise. Facebook is the obvious choice that comes to mind in this mindset, but it's typically reserved for keeping in contact with people I care enough about to browse mindlessly, but not enough to actually call or visit in person. Clearly the businesses and bands that advertise feel the same way about me.

The veritable treasure of human contact comes in the form of dating website apps--OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, Tinder--pick your poison. They all function in the same way--bringing people together that would normally be too shy to speak in situations or have not deviated from their routines enough to actually meet a group outside of their bubble. Most of it relies purely on statistical probability--the hero and slayer of human relationships since the beginning of time. Without physical interaction, there remains enough mystique in another person that they can still maintain your ideals while you put off the disappointment until you find another thumbnail. We've been reduced to thumbnails. I have a few paragraphs and my best picture, which is probably misleading but only has to grab your attention, to impress a girl into maybe getting coffee with me. Options--options everywhere. There's plenty of fish in the sea, but it's really hard to catch just one. Statistical probability. The names start blending together after a while. I read the paragraphs on the profile, the blurb designed to get you to buy the book and catch your interest just enough to buy it but not give away too much. I ask the questions--school, family, work. Weeding out like a job interview, pretending to give my consideration while I know they're doing the same to me. There's nothing like two people dancing who are looking at everyone else over the respective partner's shoulder. After all, with all of the options, it'd be a shame to miss.

The distance is remarkable. With so many humans, lives, stories, biological cases of emotion all at a finger tip away I still feel a sense of isolation. Living alone I realize the only true conversation I've had all day is with a woman I've never met and know almost nothing about. Is this how things are done these days? I make awkward small talk through a few clicks on a fake keyboard. Maybe things will work out from here--we can only hope but I'll never get my hopes up. Getting my hopes up is hopeless. It's hard to care much for someone when they're reduced to a few pixels and photons at the tip of your finger--some quantum physics we'll never care to understand but can't survive without for a weekend--or an hour. At least when the barista asks me how I am, she has to at least smile and pretend to care, because I'm standing right there. It's amazing how a bit of biological interaction with our species can create a concept of rude. I'd never flat out ignore another human that asks me how I am. A Tinder match--absolutely. You're not a real person. Yet. You could be my soul mate or just another picture in an electronic frame. It's really a matter of how awkward we're willing toymaker this or how many chances we are willing to take.

Fun Facts About Thanksgiving

1. The ritualistic slaughter of a turkey in front of one's maternal grandparents is a tradition that dates back to 1245 as a ritualistic sacrifice to French Stewart.

2. Cranberry sauce was originally brought to the table because of it's resemblance of gelled blood, Puritan currency.

3. Puritans fled England originally because England wasn't ready for those sick bass lines they were about to drop.

4. There is nothing to be thankful for in this work because when we die our bodies rejoin the universe and become part of an endless, godless, cosmic void.

5. 1 in 3 deaths in the month of November are caused by food poisoning after sharing needles with raw turkeys.

6. Turkey is also the name of a country in Asia/Europe. That's pretty fun I guess.

7. Look at you sitting at the kid's table. You pathetic loser. I mean, why aren't you married yet. You blow every chance you've ever had at a relationship. Even the kids make fun of you. If you haven't pulled your life together by now, just give up.

8. You know what I'm thankful for? Not having to put up with you nagging mother anymore since we broke up. That lady really knows how to ruin cranberry sauce.

9. I didn't mean that.

10. I only say these things because I'm so passionate about you. You have that power over me. That's how much I love you.

11. Suicide rates usually spike during Christmas season because everyone is so disappointed at how your green bean casserole at Thanksgiving turned out.

10 Reasons White Girls Love Fall

1. The "I Love Pumpkin Spice!!" tattoo on your forehead will finally be seasonal and festive.

2. Oct 11 is National Coming Out Day. Hello new gay BFF!

3. Halloween! A chance to get wasted just like you do every other weekend but to do it dressed in some kind of half-ass cat costume you threw together at the last minute so you weren't the only person at the party without a costume.

4. When you tell someone you're going for an autumn walk they'll think you're helping people by going on an autism walk. I mean, if it's kind of loud or if there's a lot of traffic going by they could make that mistake.

5. The changing of leaves is a reminder of the slow decay down to the season of darkness that will cast it's cold, bitter shadow until March.

6. On All Hallows' Eve the souls of the dearly departed are thought to rise from the grave and wander the Earth to seek vengeance of those who have wronged them before moving on to the next world. They picked a good night too because there are a lot of pretty bitchin' parties that night.

7. Fall weather is very pleasant.

8. If you're a procrastinator and never took down your Christmas tree last year, you can stop worrying because, if you hang in a few more weeks, you can just say you put it up early.

9. Starbucks will be running a promotion that, if you let their scientists inject your uterus with pumpkin DNA and gestate a human/pumpkin mutant for 9 months, you'll get 10% off Pumpkin Spice Lattes in the months of September-November.

10. When you accidentally give your baby hard apple cider instead of its usual apple juice, it'll probably do some pretty funny and adorable things when it's wicked hammered. I smell a hilarious viral video/child abuse lawsuit.

Eight Negatives Nobody Tells You About Losing Weight

I spent most of my time from childhood through early college overweight to the point that I just resigned it as my fate.  Eventually, I decided one day to get rid of the weight.  It was actually a very simple decision, not one that I thought about long and hard or had to work up courage for.  I was sitting on the couch one day and had the exact internal dialogue “Hey, I think I’ll start losing weight today”.  I immediately started making the effort with my next meal.  Now I’m 130 lbs. lighter.  There is no shortage of diet advice flooding the world, but I never heard a lot from people that had lost weight on some of the most unexpected results of weight loss.  Everyone talks about the self-esteem, energy, and overall health they gain and but hardly anyone talks about the negative side-effects of weight loss.

1.  If You're a Man Trying to Eat Healthy, Men Will Take Shots at Your Masculinity

What’s the first thing you think of when you think of a manly man? Chances are it isn’t that guy going up to the salad bar for his third plate of lettuce with fat-free dressing or uttering phrases like “I think I just added too much water to the quinoa”.  One of the most unexpected things I noticed when eating healthier during and after losing weight was the way guys would chuckle at my food choices at restaurants.  While they’re ordering burgers and fries, I’m ordering grilled chicken with cottage cheese.

The cultural definition of what is manly seems to be based on tired old stereotypes; the same stereotypes that insist that all men want tools for Father’s Day and refuse to ever ask for directions.  Basically, a lot of people think all men should fit the character profile of a 90s sitcom dad.  Regardless, it's still difficult to convince anyone that your food has nothing to do with how much of a man you are.  It should be about taking care of your body, not your gender.  I was once called a wuss for cutting a donut into a fourth, just to get a taste without all of the extra sugar.  If that’s the type of thing that makes you a wuss, I’m really glad that guy doesn’t know how many Lifetime movies I watch a week while wearing a Snuggie.  If the amount of fat and grease your body can consume without your colon starting an uprising against you was the measure of manhood, than those guys that win the hot dog eating contests every July 4 make me look like one of those portraits of a baby wearing a strawberry costume.

2.  Buying Clothes Will Get Expensive

It’s pretty obvious that after dropping any sizeable amount of weight that your clothes will no longer fit.  Buying a new wardrobe when you lose weight will get really expensive, since everything from shirts to belts to underwear will need replacements.

When you’re halfway to your goal, you’ll still have to buy clothes to fit, which will soon be too big as well.  You will go through awkward phases where everything will be slightly too big on you.  Usually my pants were sagging as I went through my weight loss.  This was never by choice; it was only because they were constantly too big on me.  I was forced to only own two pair of jeans at a time since my weight was changing so quickly.

3.  Your Body Will Be Completely Different—Not Always in a Good Way

You'll have extra skin and stretch marks that won't go away.  My body still pays for the mistakes I made when I was younger. You just have to learn to live with it unless you have thousands to spend on plastic surgery.  I take off my shirt and see the flat abs I would have never dreamed of 10 years ago.  Just below that is a fold of skin that, to the untrained eye, looks like flab.  Even after all of the hard work, I still won’t take of my shirt in public because of it. Sometimes when I am jogging it will bounce a bit and create the illusion of flab.

To date, eating greasy food makes me physically ill.  There was a time when I would go to Burger King, order a combo meal, and eat it--for a snack.  Too much grease--now, and my entire gut wants to kill me from the inside out.

 4.  You'll still “Think Fat” For a While

It seems that going from fat to thin is an instant ticket to confidence.  It’s not.  When you spend so much of your life staring at a certain image in the mirror, it becomes ingrained in your psyche.  “I’m not good enough, “I can't get women", or "that's only something that thin people can do/wear" becomes your default way of thinking.  The negative thought patterns and low self-confidence stick around. 

You find yourself thinking these types of thoughts before you even realize that you're thin. For two years after losing weight, I would see a female looking at me I still automatically assumed I just looked familiar, she was looking at someone behind me, or just thought I was so ugly she was mesmerized.

5.  Keeping it off is a Constant Battle and You Have to Make Permanent Behavior Changes

I lost a sizeable amount of weight once when I was about twelve, and by junior year of high school had gained it all back.  It's similar to a drug addict that quit using.  In this case the addiction was bad food and is available at every corner, is legal, and can be delivered.  Eventually you’ll have to shake “I’m really tired, I’ll just go to….(insert fast food restaurant here)” as a default thought.

I realized how much I ate out of boredom and had to change behaviors.  Losing weight is a matter of changing behaviors permanently and incorporating them into a way of life.  To do this you have to figure out what made you eat unnecessarily in the first place, and address those behaviors.  Making permanent changes isn’t a matter of depriving yourself of all of your vices, it’s simply a matter of learning how to enjoy them in moderation and exert self-control.  Self-control is a simple concept, but one that’s very difficult to master.  Once you’re in control of yourself, you will be surprised at what you can accomplish.

6.  You're going to look like a Snob Sometimes

A lot of social situations revolve around food, especially around the holidays.  This means having to turn down well-intentioned invitations to pizza restaurants or refusing cake from your grandmother. The time you used to spend doing nothing is now spent going to the gym or working out, so it cuts into your social life.  "Sorry, I have to go to the gym" as a response to "Hey, we're all getting drinks after work" can be interpreted as pretentious and elitist to some people that have never been in your situation.  Chances are, they’re jealous and wish they had similar motivation.  The concept of motivation never crosses my mind.  Workouts are just something I do. 

7.  Unsolicited advice

Most diet advice you're going to hear is bogus.  There are tons of diets in existence.  The truth is that most don’t work.  They’re mostly used for selling books and meals in the frozen food section.  They teach you to stick to a plan and rely on it, but don’t teach you how to actually keep the weight off and can lead to weight gain in the future.  Everyone has their own theories, own diet fads, and knows somebody that lost weight doing something strange. 

Some "diets" are outright dangerous and aren't really diets at all.  Of course, everyone has their own opinion and knows somebody that knows somebody that swears by it.

8.  People Will Constantly Ask for Diet Advice--And It Gets Annoying

When somebody asks “How did you do it?” it’s complimentary at first.  It’s a validation that you’ve accomplished something that not everybody has been able to do and you’ve inspired someone.  Rarely does the inspiration turn into anything more.  In reality, they are hoping you’re a wizard with a magical elixir.  There are no shortcuts.  It takes hard work, sacrifice, and doing without.  There is a reason you don’t read these things in diet books.  Nobody will spend money to be told how hard they will have to work.  They want a quick fix and a shortcut. 

The truth is that you can't force anyone to do anything.

Things Men Do to Impress Women but Really Just Creep Them Out

1.  Telling a girl they just met how pretty she is:

Compliments are fine.  Especially when they're sincere.  Everyone likes to hear something from another human being to make them feel better.  When a man, within 30 seconds of meeting a woman, says "You're beautiful", it doesn't sound sincere.  It just sounds like a cheap attempt to get laid.  Pretty girls usually know they're pretty.  "Cool, but say something interesting."  Save the "You're beautiful" and "You're pretty" for when you really get to know a woman.  If you direct those compliments toward her personality AND appearance, you appear much more genuine and sincere.

2.  At the bar, buying a drink for her when you've just met:

The logic--"I'm interested.  She needs to know that I'm interested.  I'll do something nice for her and that'll make her come and talk to me."  That's nice of you, but if a woman isn't interested, a free drink isn't going to make her.  If you've been chatting 20 minutes and it's you're making a bar run, offer her a drink.  If you just said hi, immediately offering a drink makes you look desperate and implies you can't converse.  Pretty girls get drinks bought for them all the time.  It's not an invitation to follow her around all night.  If you have nothing to offer other than $7 for overpriced cranberry vodka you'll just be a drink ticket for her.

3.  Bragging:

Whether you brag about your six-figure income, your workout regimen, your new Porsche, or the fact you've been doing groundbreaking research at Harvard Medical School, it's all going to have the same effect.  It just screams "Please like me."  It's great to have nice things and nice accomplishments, but finding an excuse to point them out at the start can just make you look insecure and like you're trying to compensate.  You'll seem much cooler and comfortable with yourself if you just let her see the things for herself.  If you need to brag about what you HAVE or what you DID, you're not showing her that you're a good guy, even though you may be.  If you have good qualities, they'll show.  You don’t have to go out of your way to point them out.

4.  Acting like you're already together:

This doesn't apply so much to the initial meeting, but after a date or two.  Some men get territorial with a woman way too quickly.  You really like her; you know you have competition, so you tighten the grip.  You get a little too possessive too quickly and start acting like her boyfriend.  

Why I Don't Really Like Going to Bars but Do Anyway

I don't actually enjoy it.  Going out on Friday or Saturday night is the kind of joy that comes from a surprise gift, but only a surprise that you'd be upset if it didn't come.  I see my friends.  I’m usually bored within 15 minutes.  I’m not bored with them; I’m just really bored with myself.  You can change the backdrop all you want, but you really still have to be in your own skin.   I just really hate being by myself.  It's better to distribute this codependency on everyone that some unsuspecting girl in a relationship.  That way, at least, everyone shares the burden pretty evenly.  I only enjoy knowing that I didn't waste one more night in this veritable ticking time bomb to adulthood.  I've heard the stories.  It doesn't sound fun.  I take a sip of overpriced beer that'll probably shorten my life by five minutes from a glass bottle and toss the bottle into the trash where it'll outlive me by a thousand years in a landfill somewhere.  The fun begins at 21, but it's really the beginning of the end.  I know that I'm going to just die anyway, but I still choose to live anyway.  So one more drink.  The days are numbered.  Each drink is an anesthetic that slowly kills us but quickly makes us feel alive.  The secret to having fun while dying slowly is moderation.  Each day has equal length, but they seem to be going by faster and faster.  Maybe it's not time that's moving so fast, but everyone around me.  The most interesting place to go is anywhere you haven't been and know you won’t go.  Every bar is like a buffet of fading looks. I wonder if bars are dark because we’re all hiding a little part of ourselves.  We drink to become someone else and hide away.  There’s no better escape from reality than where nobody is themselves.  Dim the lights and put chemical sunglasses on and it’s just enough to make the lamest loser seem cool and mysterious until he opens his mouth.  

10 Whitest Sentences in Existence

1.  "My friend Emma from Yoga class, the one you met at brunch last week, she's doing the whole gluten free thing."

2.  "It's so hard to find good kale without having to drive to Whole Foods."

3.  "It's going to be really hard to get in much time at the beach house this summer with lacrosse camp coming up and all."

4.  "This farmers' market has gown so downhill."

5.  "Quinoa LITERALLY changed my life."

6.  "My dad said he'd pay for film school if I help out at his law firm in the summers."

7.  "OMG!!! Pumpkin spice lattes are back.  I better Instagram this."

8.  "I'm going to need an extra closet for all of this North Face."

9.  "Three Mimosas at brunch--my trainer is going to kill me."

10.  "I'm so broke I'm going to have to start  getting my J. Crew at the outlet malls."