Things Men Do to Impress Women but Really Just Creep Them Out

1.  Telling a girl they just met how pretty she is:

Compliments are fine.  Especially when they're sincere.  Everyone likes to hear something from another human being to make them feel better.  When a man, within 30 seconds of meeting a woman, says "You're beautiful", it doesn't sound sincere.  It just sounds like a cheap attempt to get laid.  Pretty girls usually know they're pretty.  "Cool, but say something interesting."  Save the "You're beautiful" and "You're pretty" for when you really get to know a woman.  If you direct those compliments toward her personality AND appearance, you appear much more genuine and sincere.

2.  At the bar, buying a drink for her when you've just met:

The logic--"I'm interested.  She needs to know that I'm interested.  I'll do something nice for her and that'll make her come and talk to me."  That's nice of you, but if a woman isn't interested, a free drink isn't going to make her.  If you've been chatting 20 minutes and it's you're making a bar run, offer her a drink.  If you just said hi, immediately offering a drink makes you look desperate and implies you can't converse.  Pretty girls get drinks bought for them all the time.  It's not an invitation to follow her around all night.  If you have nothing to offer other than $7 for overpriced cranberry vodka you'll just be a drink ticket for her.

3.  Bragging:

Whether you brag about your six-figure income, your workout regimen, your new Porsche, or the fact you've been doing groundbreaking research at Harvard Medical School, it's all going to have the same effect.  It just screams "Please like me."  It's great to have nice things and nice accomplishments, but finding an excuse to point them out at the start can just make you look insecure and like you're trying to compensate.  You'll seem much cooler and comfortable with yourself if you just let her see the things for herself.  If you need to brag about what you HAVE or what you DID, you're not showing her that you're a good guy, even though you may be.  If you have good qualities, they'll show.  You don’t have to go out of your way to point them out.

4.  Acting like you're already together:

This doesn't apply so much to the initial meeting, but after a date or two.  Some men get territorial with a woman way too quickly.  You really like her; you know you have competition, so you tighten the grip.  You get a little too possessive too quickly and start acting like her boyfriend.  

Why I Don't Really Like Going to Bars but Do Anyway

I don't actually enjoy it.  Going out on Friday or Saturday night is the kind of joy that comes from a surprise gift, but only a surprise that you'd be upset if it didn't come.  I see my friends.  I’m usually bored within 15 minutes.  I’m not bored with them; I’m just really bored with myself.  You can change the backdrop all you want, but you really still have to be in your own skin.   I just really hate being by myself.  It's better to distribute this codependency on everyone that some unsuspecting girl in a relationship.  That way, at least, everyone shares the burden pretty evenly.  I only enjoy knowing that I didn't waste one more night in this veritable ticking time bomb to adulthood.  I've heard the stories.  It doesn't sound fun.  I take a sip of overpriced beer that'll probably shorten my life by five minutes from a glass bottle and toss the bottle into the trash where it'll outlive me by a thousand years in a landfill somewhere.  The fun begins at 21, but it's really the beginning of the end.  I know that I'm going to just die anyway, but I still choose to live anyway.  So one more drink.  The days are numbered.  Each drink is an anesthetic that slowly kills us but quickly makes us feel alive.  The secret to having fun while dying slowly is moderation.  Each day has equal length, but they seem to be going by faster and faster.  Maybe it's not time that's moving so fast, but everyone around me.  The most interesting place to go is anywhere you haven't been and know you won’t go.  Every bar is like a buffet of fading looks. I wonder if bars are dark because we’re all hiding a little part of ourselves.  We drink to become someone else and hide away.  There’s no better escape from reality than where nobody is themselves.  Dim the lights and put chemical sunglasses on and it’s just enough to make the lamest loser seem cool and mysterious until he opens his mouth.  

10 Whitest Sentences in Existence

1.  "My friend Emma from Yoga class, the one you met at brunch last week, she's doing the whole gluten free thing."

2.  "It's so hard to find good kale without having to drive to Whole Foods."

3.  "It's going to be really hard to get in much time at the beach house this summer with lacrosse camp coming up and all."

4.  "This farmers' market has gown so downhill."

5.  "Quinoa LITERALLY changed my life."

6.  "My dad said he'd pay for film school if I help out at his law firm in the summers."

7.  "OMG!!! Pumpkin spice lattes are back.  I better Instagram this."

8.  "I'm going to need an extra closet for all of this North Face."

9.  "Three Mimosas at brunch--my trainer is going to kill me."

10.  "I'm so broke I'm going to have to start  getting my J. Crew at the outlet malls."

A Wedding is the Easy Part. A Marriage is the Hard Part.

A $30,000 wedding that takes a year to plan and a wedding at city hall both have the same end result-- a piece of paper telling you to file your taxes together until death do you part or one of you gets too bored to keep things interesting and decides to go for someone else. If you’re lucky you’ll love each other too.  That’s optional. A wedding is the easy part.  The marriage is the hard part.

How many marriages are the result of a desire to not live without the other person and how many are out of desire to not be the single friend anymore?  How many are the product of a boredom with dating?  For him:
He’s tired of the awkward dates from OkCupid and answering rehearsed questions about his siblings and his favorite place to travel.  Maybe he’s tired of sitting across the tables of expensive restaurants he’d never eat any other time shouting over the background noise desperately clinging to any hope of small talk so there isn’t too much silence.  He’ll pick up the tab since it’s the expected thing to do--drop $60 on two salads, a few glasses of wine, and if he’s lucky she may mention her last name before the date is over.

“Maybe she won’t be crazy and psychotic."
 "I bet she hates me."
 "This probably won’t work out.  If not, at least he can try and fuck her.  Why not? “

For her, maybe she’s read just enough bridal magazines that she knows she’s ready to be center of attention for 6 hours on a Saturday afternoon.   Her cousin’s roommate’s friend there for the open bar will definitely tell how happy she is.

Perhaps marriage is the product of a long-term relationship and only seems like the next logical step.  If you’re happy now, the next logical step is to commit the rest of your life.  If we need a reminder that what you think you love now you’ll love the rest of your life, take a look at any outfit you wore in middle school.  So the two jump in without thinking.  Some people think that blindly following a gut is love is a sign of romanticism and trust.  It’s really just a sign of foolishness.  The pressures of handling questions such as “So..when are you two going to get married?” at every Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas give the nudge.  After all, some people can’t wait to be grandparents.

‘Til death do you part.  I do.  Sure.  We need to get this thing going.  It's too late to back out if I wanted since I've already spent a fortune and everyone I know is watching.  We paid a lot for the DJ and the open bar.

Love isn’t some pose on a “Save the Date Card”.   After all, who wouldn’t be happy spending 50 more years in some meadow in autumn.   If you think marriage will always be that beautiful, you’re in for a shock.  Wedding vows shouldn’t say “To have and to hold”.  They should say “Until the two of you are so bored you never consider sex as an option.  Can you deal with her gaining weight and sagging 30 years from now?  Yes, I said 30.  Can you deal with his beer gut and pattern baldness?”  This love thing better be powerful.

It sounds too harsh, so you stick to the original script.

Hopefully your relationship is as amazing as you both make it sound.  Being stuck in an unhappy marriage is a lot like being stuck in a jail.  In each case, you'll need lawyers to help you escape.

Man Knows Masturbation in Front of New Dog Inevitable

Although excited about the new 8 week old Irish Setter puppy he has purchased for his family, local man Jay Harrison is still nervous about the pet inevitably witnessing his daily masturbation rituals.

"It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when.  When I go at it a few times a day the dog is bound to walk in when I'm halfway through." voiced the 44 year-old father of three.

Sources indicate whenever he sees his three small children playing with the puppy, his mind soon wanders to the inevitable situation will arise.

"I'm honestly surprised it hasn't happened yet.  Our old dog was so used to seeing me go at it when nobody was home I didn't even think twice.  Seeing his furry body was basically just a prop in the room for me. Sometimes he'd even cover my feet while I was going at it--that's how used to it I got." a distracted Harrison remarked, looking away as his 5 year-old daughter cavorted jovially with the puppy in a moment that would melt any father's heart.  "Actually, I got so used to him sometimes I had trouble finishing without him warming my feet."

When the family's previous dog passed away, the faithful husband of 11 years responded "My first thought was 'Wow, going to be hard to tell the kids about this'.  My second thought was 'Uggh, here we go again.  I'll HAVE to get them another dog so  I'm going to have to break in another one.  We'll have to go through the awkwardness where he'll just stare at me every time I'm in the zone until he gets used to seeing it.  On the bright side, maybe the next dog won't bark each time.' "

"I'd imagine I need to do it sooner than later.  If we're going to have this kind of relationship, he needs to get used to seeing me do it.  Maybe if we start now he'll just think it's part of my routine, like brushing my teeth.
Next time my wife takes the kids to visit their grandmother in the nursing home, I'll fire up the laptop, put the new puppy in the room with me, and I'll go to town.  I figured after we do that four or five times it'll start getting a little less awkward."

Ridiculing Acquaintance's Old MySpace Profile Serves as Hours of Entertainment

Upon discovering the old MySpace profile of their mutual acquaintance, 25 year-old Ben Doorman, friends gathered around the page as the sheer quantity of adolescent awkwardness and sadness it contained soon became the highlight of the evening.

“Look at this kid,” chimed in Doorman’s best friend since graduating college, “he actually called himself "Mr. Brightside" and is wearing a "Vote for Pedro" shirt in his profile pic.  What was he thinking everyone would think?  'Wow...look at that shirt.  It's funny because it's the same one Napoleon wore in the movie' God, he's an awful human being.  His wife is pregnant.  Can you imagine if she knew?  She'd probably abort knowing that kid has half his DNA.”

Doorman’s childhood neighbor took the opportunity to chime in “Does he actually have a profile song set to "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter?!?.  Look, he actually has a bulletin entry titled ‘Bad Day’.  I need to go get a beer, this is too good.  Don’t read it without me.  Turn down the music, everyone needs to hear this stuff.”

Reading aloud he added, “Whenever I have a rough day I just listen to that song and it helps me get through.  I can't wait to see what other songs Daniel Powter writes that will speak to me.  I'm sure he has a long career ahead of him”

Pictures from Dashboard Confessional concerts, a blog about how Ashlee Simpson is the perfect woman, James Blunt lyrics, anti-Bush rants—all were present in a page that served as a time-capsule to what are, without a doubt, the worst years of Doorman’s life to date.

“Look at this picture set,” interrupted Doorman’s brother, who he has confided in on many a deep, personal issue, “He’s actually wearing eyeliner and an ‘American Idiot’ Green Day shirt.  The only idiots are the people around him who didn’t set him on fire.  Maybe us for actually hanging out with him”.  

He continued “Look at this blog.  It’s hilarious.  It’s two full pages about that chick Amanda that he was obsessed with.  He keeps talking about how he can’t get up the nerve to ask her out.  Hey Mike, didn’t you bang her after prom?” 

Catching his breath between laughs he added “He actually called that entry ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’.”

Most recent reports indicate the group is anxiously awaiting the weekend when they will meet to ridicule Doorman’s old LiveJournal entries.

"Six" Movies I'll Never Watch

I dusted this off from the archives from 2010.

1. " Bride Wars" starring Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway. 

If one of the symptoms of male menopause involves growing a vagina, then I may consider this one in about 30 years.

2. Any Disney movie starring "The Rock".

The downside of watching movies just to laugh at "The Rock" 's acting skills, is having to watch movies showcasing "The Rock" 's acting skills.

3. "How Stella got her Groove Back"

This may not be a terrible film, I'm probably just way too white to really get any of it.

4. Any movie Tim Allen made after 1997.

I would say ever, but as a kid I was duped into watching "The Santa Clause".  If the movie titile involves making a terrible pun, it's probably a sign that you're children will get worse grades than Asian kids after they watch it.

5. "Fever Pitch" starring Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore

As if the cast doesn't say enough, the Red Sox deserved to be cursed for another 90 years after this movie was made.

6.  "Twilight" movies after the first two.

To be fair, I did see the first two.  It was only because I was forced to by my ex-gf.  I spent the entire time in the theater picturing Ashley Greene naked and thinking "I'm too young to be any of these girls' dad, but just old enough that everyone probably thinks I'm just here to figure out which of them are 18."