Fun Facts About Thanksgiving

1. The ritualistic slaughter of a turkey in front of one's maternal grandparents is a tradition that dates back to 1245 as a ritualistic sacrifice to French Stewart.

2. Cranberry sauce was originally brought to the table because of it's resemblance of gelled blood, Puritan currency.

3. Puritans fled England originally because England wasn't ready for those sick bass lines they were about to drop.

4. There is nothing to be thankful for in this work because when we die our bodies rejoin the universe and become part of an endless, godless, cosmic void.

5. 1 in 3 deaths in the month of November are caused by food poisoning after sharing needles with raw turkeys.

6. Turkey is also the name of a country in Asia/Europe. That's pretty fun I guess.

7. Look at you sitting at the kid's table. You pathetic loser. I mean, why aren't you married yet. You blow every chance you've ever had at a relationship. Even the kids make fun of you. If you haven't pulled your life together by now, just give up.

8. You know what I'm thankful for? Not having to put up with you nagging mother anymore since we broke up. That lady really knows how to ruin cranberry sauce.

9. I didn't mean that.

10. I only say these things because I'm so passionate about you. You have that power over me. That's how much I love you.

11. Suicide rates usually spike during Christmas season because everyone is so disappointed at how your green bean casserole at Thanksgiving turned out.

10 Reasons White Girls Love Fall

1. The "I Love Pumpkin Spice!!" tattoo on your forehead will finally be seasonal and festive.

2. Oct 11 is National Coming Out Day. Hello new gay BFF!

3. Halloween! A chance to get wasted just like you do every other weekend but to do it dressed in some kind of half-ass cat costume you threw together at the last minute so you weren't the only person at the party without a costume.

4. When you tell someone you're going for an autumn walk they'll think you're helping people by going on an autism walk. I mean, if it's kind of loud or if there's a lot of traffic going by they could make that mistake.

5. The changing of leaves is a reminder of the slow decay down to the season of darkness that will cast it's cold, bitter shadow until March.

6. On All Hallows' Eve the souls of the dearly departed are thought to rise from the grave and wander the Earth to seek vengeance of those who have wronged them before moving on to the next world. They picked a good night too because there are a lot of pretty bitchin' parties that night.

7. Fall weather is very pleasant.

8. If you're a procrastinator and never took down your Christmas tree last year, you can stop worrying because, if you hang in a few more weeks, you can just say you put it up early.

9. Starbucks will be running a promotion that, if you let their scientists inject your uterus with pumpkin DNA and gestate a human/pumpkin mutant for 9 months, you'll get 10% off Pumpkin Spice Lattes in the months of September-November.

10. When you accidentally give your baby hard apple cider instead of its usual apple juice, it'll probably do some pretty funny and adorable things when it's wicked hammered. I smell a hilarious viral video/child abuse lawsuit.

Eight Negatives Nobody Tells You About Losing Weight

I spent most of my time from childhood through early college overweight to the point that I just resigned it as my fate.  Eventually, I decided one day to get rid of the weight.  It was actually a very simple decision, not one that I thought about long and hard or had to work up courage for.  I was sitting on the couch one day and had the exact internal dialogue “Hey, I think I’ll start losing weight today”.  I immediately started making the effort with my next meal.  Now I’m 130 lbs. lighter.  There is no shortage of diet advice flooding the world, but I never heard a lot from people that had lost weight on some of the most unexpected results of weight loss.  Everyone talks about the self-esteem, energy, and overall health they gain and but hardly anyone talks about the negative side-effects of weight loss.

1.  If You're a Man Trying to Eat Healthy, Men Will Take Shots at Your Masculinity

What’s the first thing you think of when you think of a manly man? Chances are it isn’t that guy going up to the salad bar for his third plate of lettuce with fat-free dressing or uttering phrases like “I think I just added too much water to the quinoa”.  One of the most unexpected things I noticed when eating healthier during and after losing weight was the way guys would chuckle at my food choices at restaurants.  While they’re ordering burgers and fries, I’m ordering grilled chicken with cottage cheese.

The cultural definition of what is manly seems to be based on tired old stereotypes; the same stereotypes that insist that all men want tools for Father’s Day and refuse to ever ask for directions.  Basically, a lot of people think all men should fit the character profile of a 90s sitcom dad.  Regardless, it's still difficult to convince anyone that your food has nothing to do with how much of a man you are.  It should be about taking care of your body, not your gender.  I was once called a wuss for cutting a donut into a fourth, just to get a taste without all of the extra sugar.  If that’s the type of thing that makes you a wuss, I’m really glad that guy doesn’t know how many Lifetime movies I watch a week while wearing a Snuggie.  If the amount of fat and grease your body can consume without your colon starting an uprising against you was the measure of manhood, than those guys that win the hot dog eating contests every July 4 make me look like one of those portraits of a baby wearing a strawberry costume.

2.  Buying Clothes Will Get Expensive

It’s pretty obvious that after dropping any sizeable amount of weight that your clothes will no longer fit.  Buying a new wardrobe when you lose weight will get really expensive, since everything from shirts to belts to underwear will need replacements.

When you’re halfway to your goal, you’ll still have to buy clothes to fit, which will soon be too big as well.  You will go through awkward phases where everything will be slightly too big on you.  Usually my pants were sagging as I went through my weight loss.  This was never by choice; it was only because they were constantly too big on me.  I was forced to only own two pair of jeans at a time since my weight was changing so quickly.

3.  Your Body Will Be Completely Different—Not Always in a Good Way

You'll have extra skin and stretch marks that won't go away.  My body still pays for the mistakes I made when I was younger. You just have to learn to live with it unless you have thousands to spend on plastic surgery.  I take off my shirt and see the flat abs I would have never dreamed of 10 years ago.  Just below that is a fold of skin that, to the untrained eye, looks like flab.  Even after all of the hard work, I still won’t take of my shirt in public because of it. Sometimes when I am jogging it will bounce a bit and create the illusion of flab.

To date, eating greasy food makes me physically ill.  There was a time when I would go to Burger King, order a combo meal, and eat it--for a snack.  Too much grease--now, and my entire gut wants to kill me from the inside out.

 4.  You'll still “Think Fat” For a While

It seems that going from fat to thin is an instant ticket to confidence.  It’s not.  When you spend so much of your life staring at a certain image in the mirror, it becomes ingrained in your psyche.  “I’m not good enough, “I can't get women", or "that's only something that thin people can do/wear" becomes your default way of thinking.  The negative thought patterns and low self-confidence stick around. 

You find yourself thinking these types of thoughts before you even realize that you're thin. For two years after losing weight, I would see a female looking at me I still automatically assumed I just looked familiar, she was looking at someone behind me, or just thought I was so ugly she was mesmerized.

5.  Keeping it off is a Constant Battle and You Have to Make Permanent Behavior Changes

I lost a sizeable amount of weight once when I was about twelve, and by junior year of high school had gained it all back.  It's similar to a drug addict that quit using.  In this case the addiction was bad food and is available at every corner, is legal, and can be delivered.  Eventually you’ll have to shake “I’m really tired, I’ll just go to….(insert fast food restaurant here)” as a default thought.

I realized how much I ate out of boredom and had to change behaviors.  Losing weight is a matter of changing behaviors permanently and incorporating them into a way of life.  To do this you have to figure out what made you eat unnecessarily in the first place, and address those behaviors.  Making permanent changes isn’t a matter of depriving yourself of all of your vices, it’s simply a matter of learning how to enjoy them in moderation and exert self-control.  Self-control is a simple concept, but one that’s very difficult to master.  Once you’re in control of yourself, you will be surprised at what you can accomplish.

6.  You're going to look like a Snob Sometimes

A lot of social situations revolve around food, especially around the holidays.  This means having to turn down well-intentioned invitations to pizza restaurants or refusing cake from your grandmother. The time you used to spend doing nothing is now spent going to the gym or working out, so it cuts into your social life.  "Sorry, I have to go to the gym" as a response to "Hey, we're all getting drinks after work" can be interpreted as pretentious and elitist to some people that have never been in your situation.  Chances are, they’re jealous and wish they had similar motivation.  The concept of motivation never crosses my mind.  Workouts are just something I do. 

7.  Unsolicited advice

Most diet advice you're going to hear is bogus.  There are tons of diets in existence.  The truth is that most don’t work.  They’re mostly used for selling books and meals in the frozen food section.  They teach you to stick to a plan and rely on it, but don’t teach you how to actually keep the weight off and can lead to weight gain in the future.  Everyone has their own theories, own diet fads, and knows somebody that lost weight doing something strange. 

Some "diets" are outright dangerous and aren't really diets at all.  Of course, everyone has their own opinion and knows somebody that knows somebody that swears by it.

8.  People Will Constantly Ask for Diet Advice--And It Gets Annoying

When somebody asks “How did you do it?” it’s complimentary at first.  It’s a validation that you’ve accomplished something that not everybody has been able to do and you’ve inspired someone.  Rarely does the inspiration turn into anything more.  In reality, they are hoping you’re a wizard with a magical elixir.  There are no shortcuts.  It takes hard work, sacrifice, and doing without.  There is a reason you don’t read these things in diet books.  Nobody will spend money to be told how hard they will have to work.  They want a quick fix and a shortcut. 

The truth is that you can't force anyone to do anything.

Things Men Do to Impress Women but Really Just Creep Them Out

1.  Telling a girl they just met how pretty she is:

Compliments are fine.  Especially when they're sincere.  Everyone likes to hear something from another human being to make them feel better.  When a man, within 30 seconds of meeting a woman, says "You're beautiful", it doesn't sound sincere.  It just sounds like a cheap attempt to get laid.  Pretty girls usually know they're pretty.  "Cool, but say something interesting."  Save the "You're beautiful" and "You're pretty" for when you really get to know a woman.  If you direct those compliments toward her personality AND appearance, you appear much more genuine and sincere.

2.  At the bar, buying a drink for her when you've just met:

The logic--"I'm interested.  She needs to know that I'm interested.  I'll do something nice for her and that'll make her come and talk to me."  That's nice of you, but if a woman isn't interested, a free drink isn't going to make her.  If you've been chatting 20 minutes and it's you're making a bar run, offer her a drink.  If you just said hi, immediately offering a drink makes you look desperate and implies you can't converse.  Pretty girls get drinks bought for them all the time.  It's not an invitation to follow her around all night.  If you have nothing to offer other than $7 for overpriced cranberry vodka you'll just be a drink ticket for her.

3.  Bragging:

Whether you brag about your six-figure income, your workout regimen, your new Porsche, or the fact you've been doing groundbreaking research at Harvard Medical School, it's all going to have the same effect.  It just screams "Please like me."  It's great to have nice things and nice accomplishments, but finding an excuse to point them out at the start can just make you look insecure and like you're trying to compensate.  You'll seem much cooler and comfortable with yourself if you just let her see the things for herself.  If you need to brag about what you HAVE or what you DID, you're not showing her that you're a good guy, even though you may be.  If you have good qualities, they'll show.  You don’t have to go out of your way to point them out.

4.  Acting like you're already together:

This doesn't apply so much to the initial meeting, but after a date or two.  Some men get territorial with a woman way too quickly.  You really like her; you know you have competition, so you tighten the grip.  You get a little too possessive too quickly and start acting like her boyfriend.  

Why I Don't Really Like Going to Bars but Do Anyway

I don't actually enjoy it.  Going out on Friday or Saturday night is the kind of joy that comes from a surprise gift, but only a surprise that you'd be upset if it didn't come.  I see my friends.  I’m usually bored within 15 minutes.  I’m not bored with them; I’m just really bored with myself.  You can change the backdrop all you want, but you really still have to be in your own skin.   I just really hate being by myself.  It's better to distribute this codependency on everyone that some unsuspecting girl in a relationship.  That way, at least, everyone shares the burden pretty evenly.  I only enjoy knowing that I didn't waste one more night in this veritable ticking time bomb to adulthood.  I've heard the stories.  It doesn't sound fun.  I take a sip of overpriced beer that'll probably shorten my life by five minutes from a glass bottle and toss the bottle into the trash where it'll outlive me by a thousand years in a landfill somewhere.  The fun begins at 21, but it's really the beginning of the end.  I know that I'm going to just die anyway, but I still choose to live anyway.  So one more drink.  The days are numbered.  Each drink is an anesthetic that slowly kills us but quickly makes us feel alive.  The secret to having fun while dying slowly is moderation.  Each day has equal length, but they seem to be going by faster and faster.  Maybe it's not time that's moving so fast, but everyone around me.  The most interesting place to go is anywhere you haven't been and know you won’t go.  Every bar is like a buffet of fading looks. I wonder if bars are dark because we’re all hiding a little part of ourselves.  We drink to become someone else and hide away.  There’s no better escape from reality than where nobody is themselves.  Dim the lights and put chemical sunglasses on and it’s just enough to make the lamest loser seem cool and mysterious until he opens his mouth.  

10 Whitest Sentences in Existence

1.  "My friend Emma from Yoga class, the one you met at brunch last week, she's doing the whole gluten free thing."

2.  "It's so hard to find good kale without having to drive to Whole Foods."

3.  "It's going to be really hard to get in much time at the beach house this summer with lacrosse camp coming up and all."

4.  "This farmers' market has gown so downhill."

5.  "Quinoa LITERALLY changed my life."

6.  "My dad said he'd pay for film school if I help out at his law firm in the summers."

7.  "OMG!!! Pumpkin spice lattes are back.  I better Instagram this."

8.  "I'm going to need an extra closet for all of this North Face."

9.  "Three Mimosas at brunch--my trainer is going to kill me."

10.  "I'm so broke I'm going to have to start  getting my J. Crew at the outlet malls."

A Wedding is the Easy Part. A Marriage is the Hard Part.

A $30,000 wedding that takes a year to plan and a wedding at city hall both have the same end result-- a piece of paper telling you to file your taxes together until death do you part or one of you gets too bored to keep things interesting and decides to go for someone else. If you’re lucky you’ll love each other too.  That’s optional. A wedding is the easy part.  The marriage is the hard part.

How many marriages are the result of a desire to not live without the other person and how many are out of desire to not be the single friend anymore?  How many are the product of a boredom with dating?  For him:
He’s tired of the awkward dates from OkCupid and answering rehearsed questions about his siblings and his favorite place to travel.  Maybe he’s tired of sitting across the tables of expensive restaurants he’d never eat any other time shouting over the background noise desperately clinging to any hope of small talk so there isn’t too much silence.  He’ll pick up the tab since it’s the expected thing to do--drop $60 on two salads, a few glasses of wine, and if he’s lucky she may mention her last name before the date is over.

“Maybe she won’t be crazy and psychotic."
 "I bet she hates me."
 "This probably won’t work out.  If not, at least he can try and fuck her.  Why not? “

For her, maybe she’s read just enough bridal magazines that she knows she’s ready to be center of attention for 6 hours on a Saturday afternoon.   Her cousin’s roommate’s friend there for the open bar will definitely tell how happy she is.

Perhaps marriage is the product of a long-term relationship and only seems like the next logical step.  If you’re happy now, the next logical step is to commit the rest of your life.  If we need a reminder that what you think you love now you’ll love the rest of your life, take a look at any outfit you wore in middle school.  So the two jump in without thinking.  Some people think that blindly following a gut is love is a sign of romanticism and trust.  It’s really just a sign of foolishness.  The pressures of handling questions such as “So..when are you two going to get married?” at every Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas give the nudge.  After all, some people can’t wait to be grandparents.

‘Til death do you part.  I do.  Sure.  We need to get this thing going.  It's too late to back out if I wanted since I've already spent a fortune and everyone I know is watching.  We paid a lot for the DJ and the open bar.

Love isn’t some pose on a “Save the Date Card”.   After all, who wouldn’t be happy spending 50 more years in some meadow in autumn.   If you think marriage will always be that beautiful, you’re in for a shock.  Wedding vows shouldn’t say “To have and to hold”.  They should say “Until the two of you are so bored you never consider sex as an option.  Can you deal with her gaining weight and sagging 30 years from now?  Yes, I said 30.  Can you deal with his beer gut and pattern baldness?”  This love thing better be powerful.

It sounds too harsh, so you stick to the original script.

Hopefully your relationship is as amazing as you both make it sound.  Being stuck in an unhappy marriage is a lot like being stuck in a jail.  In each case, you'll need lawyers to help you escape.

Man Knows Masturbation in Front of New Dog Inevitable

Although excited about the new 8 week old Irish Setter puppy he has purchased for his family, local man Jay Harrison is still nervous about the pet inevitably witnessing his daily masturbation rituals.

"It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when.  When I go at it a few times a day the dog is bound to walk in when I'm halfway through." voiced the 44 year-old father of three.

Sources indicate whenever he sees his three small children playing with the puppy, his mind soon wanders to the inevitable situation will arise.

"I'm honestly surprised it hasn't happened yet.  Our old dog was so used to seeing me go at it when nobody was home I didn't even think twice.  Seeing his furry body was basically just a prop in the room for me. Sometimes he'd even cover my feet while I was going at it--that's how used to it I got." a distracted Harrison remarked, looking away as his 5 year-old daughter cavorted jovially with the puppy in a moment that would melt any father's heart.  "Actually, I got so used to him sometimes I had trouble finishing without him warming my feet."

When the family's previous dog passed away, the faithful husband of 11 years responded "My first thought was 'Wow, going to be hard to tell the kids about this'.  My second thought was 'Uggh, here we go again.  I'll HAVE to get them another dog so  I'm going to have to break in another one.  We'll have to go through the awkwardness where he'll just stare at me every time I'm in the zone until he gets used to seeing it.  On the bright side, maybe the next dog won't bark each time.' "

"I'd imagine I need to do it sooner than later.  If we're going to have this kind of relationship, he needs to get used to seeing me do it.  Maybe if we start now he'll just think it's part of my routine, like brushing my teeth.
Next time my wife takes the kids to visit their grandmother in the nursing home, I'll fire up the laptop, put the new puppy in the room with me, and I'll go to town.  I figured after we do that four or five times it'll start getting a little less awkward."

Ridiculing Acquaintance's Old MySpace Profile Serves as Hours of Entertainment

Upon discovering the old MySpace profile of their mutual acquaintance, 25 year-old Ben Doorman, friends gathered around the page as the sheer quantity of adolescent awkwardness and sadness it contained soon became the highlight of the evening.

“Look at this kid,” chimed in Doorman’s best friend since graduating college, “he actually called himself "Mr. Brightside" and is wearing a "Vote for Pedro" shirt in his profile pic.  What was he thinking everyone would think?  'Wow...look at that shirt.  It's funny because it's the same one Napoleon wore in the movie' God, he's an awful human being.  His wife is pregnant.  Can you imagine if she knew?  She'd probably abort knowing that kid has half his DNA.”

Doorman’s childhood neighbor took the opportunity to chime in “Does he actually have a profile song set to "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter?!?.  Look, he actually has a bulletin entry titled ‘Bad Day’.  I need to go get a beer, this is too good.  Don’t read it without me.  Turn down the music, everyone needs to hear this stuff.”

Reading aloud he added, “Whenever I have a rough day I just listen to that song and it helps me get through.  I can't wait to see what other songs Daniel Powter writes that will speak to me.  I'm sure he has a long career ahead of him”

Pictures from Dashboard Confessional concerts, a blog about how Ashlee Simpson is the perfect woman, James Blunt lyrics, anti-Bush rants—all were present in a page that served as a time-capsule to what are, without a doubt, the worst years of Doorman’s life to date.

“Look at this picture set,” interrupted Doorman’s brother, who he has confided in on many a deep, personal issue, “He’s actually wearing eyeliner and an ‘American Idiot’ Green Day shirt.  The only idiots are the people around him who didn’t set him on fire.  Maybe us for actually hanging out with him”.  

He continued “Look at this blog.  It’s hilarious.  It’s two full pages about that chick Amanda that he was obsessed with.  He keeps talking about how he can’t get up the nerve to ask her out.  Hey Mike, didn’t you bang her after prom?” 

Catching his breath between laughs he added “He actually called that entry ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’.”

Most recent reports indicate the group is anxiously awaiting the weekend when they will meet to ridicule Doorman’s old LiveJournal entries.

"Six" Movies I'll Never Watch

I dusted this off from the archives from 2010.

1. " Bride Wars" starring Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway. 

If one of the symptoms of male menopause involves growing a vagina, then I may consider this one in about 30 years.

2. Any Disney movie starring "The Rock".

The downside of watching movies just to laugh at "The Rock" 's acting skills, is having to watch movies showcasing "The Rock" 's acting skills.

3. "How Stella got her Groove Back"

This may not be a terrible film, I'm probably just way too white to really get any of it.

4. Any movie Tim Allen made after 1997.

I would say ever, but as a kid I was duped into watching "The Santa Clause".  If the movie titile involves making a terrible pun, it's probably a sign that you're children will get worse grades than Asian kids after they watch it.

5. "Fever Pitch" starring Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore

As if the cast doesn't say enough, the Red Sox deserved to be cursed for another 90 years after this movie was made.

6.  "Twilight" movies after the first two.

To be fair, I did see the first two.  It was only because I was forced to by my ex-gf.  I spent the entire time in the theater picturing Ashley Greene naked and thinking "I'm too young to be any of these girls' dad, but just old enough that everyone probably thinks I'm just here to figure out which of them are 18."

Disguise

Hindsight is 20/20. Having a grasp on life and how life works once you've lived it is easy--there's no risk. Regardless of true intention, receiving advice from someone much older tends to ring with an air of condescension. “Look what I've done, why can't you"? The words of advice fall on not deaf ears, but ears of a paralyzed body. The bodies are hearing, listening, wanting to react but stuck in what the world has laid at our feet. True, maybe you see the caution lights blinking ahead of you, but it's much more fun to go exploring for yourself rather than take the safe way home. Youthful energy is a double-edged sword of an eagerness to explore coupled with an anxiety for what the future holds. Which side wins?

As small children we are all raised to believe that the future is a ray of light to be treasured and looked forward to, but life experience soon tells us that the future will certainly come with dark moments. First it’s a pet goldfish dying. Next it's your first heartbreak. Then comes a time when you may have to decide between rent and groceries. Sure, be young, have fun has a certain mantra but why is fun always associated with youth? An 85 year old telling someone to have fun and enjoy their life is very easy because they have finished their story and know the ending. They may have hit a few bumps on the way but probably have turned out to be okay. Even if not, like it or not, death is knocking around the corner and soon the plot will be resolved. Old age equals wisdom, because wisdom is just relief in disguise.

#YOLO

“When I grow up I want to be a faceless corporate drone". -Nobody

You only live once. YOLO. It’s become a mindless slogan uttered as without any thought. When was the last time anyone actually really thought about the meaning of the phrase outside of the meme worthy catchiness of it? Usually it’s implied to go out, seize the day, and enjoy the fruits of what the world has to offer. To live, though, requires LIVING. And LIVING requires means—usually that cost a lot of money. You can never put a price tag on memories, but even if you could, they’ll never pay rent.

You need money to live—it’s a cold hard fact of life. If everyone worked their dream job the world would be full of astronauts, rock stars, and actors/actresses while trash overflowed in the streets. We act out of necessity in order to gain a sense of security and with that security we give up a piece of our freedom. Without this exchange the world would not function. Whether your safety net comes from the dredge of a boring nine to five or financial support from your parents, it's a must. Sometimes the good life is just a dangling carrot—existing, but not for the taking. Some are fortunate and get to go live out some of the best years of life in a care-free, fun environment. Most do not.

My worst fear is to get stuck in a mindless routine, count the days to Friday, blink, realize half of my life has gone by and that I’ve lived only 2/7 of it. People like to ask “Where did the time go?” They simply don't realize how easy it is to miss when they're couting down the days until Friday. I need the other 5/7th. After all, you only live once.

Out of season, but on a more serious note

On a more serious note, I realize this piece is a bit out of season.  I can say, however, the themes are pretty relevant year-round.  I was going through old writings and thought I'd share.

I’m a non-Christian and I love Christmas.  Certain people tell me I have no right to that, but Christmas isn’t a Christian holiday.  Anyone that wants to parrot the phrase "Jesus is the reason for the season" could benefit from a quick Google search on Pagan winter solstice celebrations and what scholars believe to be the actual birthdate of Christ.  I don’t have to believe in a particular religion to appreciate the beauty of a huge Christmas tree decorated to the nines.  I don’t have to believe in a particular religion to appreciate an excuse to hang out with friends and drink egg nog in tacky sweaters.  I don’t have to believe in a particular religion to feel a warm grip of nostalgia when I think about sitting in the basement, home from Christmas break, wrapping Christmas presents and watching “A Christmas Story” for the 5th time in a month.  Christmas is a religious holiday and money is the religion. Why waste energy fighting it?

My four-year-old self wasn't capable of wrapping my brain around the concept of "commercial", at least not to the degree that my brain can now.  Christmas was about one thing to me—presents. Presents=awesome so therefore Christmas=awesome. Can you name anything today that excites you SO MUCH that you can’t wait to jump out of bed at 6AM?  I can’t wait to feel so alive about something again.  No matter what happens, I’ll always have those memories stuffed away in my brain.  Dressing in stuffy clothes to my bi-annual trip to Church where I was bored with a bunch of stories that I was too young to understand but just old enough to feel guilty for not believing in certainly didn’t make me race out of the bedroom on Christmas morning.  I knew better, but my love for toys was enough to make me ignore the flawed logic of a man in a suit visiting every house in the world in a few hour window to deliver them toys for no other reason than out of the kindness of his heart.  My love for toys was enough to make me overlook the flawed logic that a bunch of elves in a toy shop could possibly build a fully functional Sega Genesis in a box with packaging that perfectly matches what I’d find in a store. Denial is a powerful tool.  When life is good, you don’t ask questions.

Over the years it gradually mattered less.  I really didn’t care if I received a single gift.  The season mattered.  Strangers are a little nicer to one another.  The world takes a deep breath.  People take vacations and connect with people that really matter.  As I’ve grown older, I will take these things over a useless hunk of plastic that will probably end up broken or lost by February anyway.  My four-year-old self didn't appreciate that Christmas is one time of year that my relatives all gather under one roof—even if I’m not that close to any of them.  My four-year-old self didn't appreciate the phrase “good will toward men”.  My 29-year-old self does. 

Christmas connects us to the past.  Whether it’s the memories of people, things, places, or events of the past—we all have them. Whether a Christmas is fantastic or uneventful, we’re forced to examine our feelings and perceptions of it.  A rejection of Christmas is, in itself, an acknowledgment of its cultural grip.

This Christmas, if you feel like buying gifts for the people in your life because you want to spread joy to them—that's awesome.  If you don’t, and just want to celebrate the holiday for the feelings of cheer—that’s okay too.  The holidays are the one time of the year we’re forced to confront the idea of making memories, whether or not we’re ready or comfortable with it.  Christmas is completely commercialized, but what isn’t?  We have no control over the advertisers and the retailers, only how we react.  Decide whether you want to celebrate Christmas or you want to celebrate possession. If you feel obligated to buy gifts because the calendar says so, then you’re the reason why Christmas is commercialized.  If having a commercial Christmas gives you a happy Christmas, go for it.  Happiness is the point of Christmas after all, regardless of manifestation.  It won’t affect me.  I’ll be watching “A Christmas Story”.

Guy Really Not Sure What He's Doing for New Year's Eve

Jeff Korgan, a 33 year-old claims adjuster, announced today that he's not really sure what he'll be doing this year on New Year's Eve.

"I mean, I definitely want to do something.  I'm just not sure what quite yet.  I kind of want to go out, but everything is so expensive.  A few of my friends are having people over, but I'm not really sure where I'll end up.  Ben, from work, is having people over and I might go there, but I don't really know him THAT well.  Plus, the one time I met his wife she kind of rubbed me the wrong way."

Korgan is known throughout the company as having the ability to make a mean spinach dip for any kind of social gathering.

"Not to brag, but I make any excuse I can to whip it out.  It's been compared to the spinach dip from the deli counter at the grocery.  The good grocery—not the run-down one.  Yeah--that good."

Korgan, reportedly, never really gets THAT drunk so he usually serves as a partial DD for some of his drunker friends.

“Yeah, I mean, I might have a beer or two, but I don’t really drink that much.  I just want to see my friends have fun and get home safely.  I don’t mind driving them around a little.  It gets me out if I don’t find anything else to do.  Occasionally I get a meal at Denny’s out of it.”

Korgan, like many other single early 30 somethings has trouble with he midnight kiss.

"It's awkward.  Everyone else is kissing and I'm just standing there staring.  There's usually a drunk girl around somewhere, but kissing her usually feels kind of rapey and my mouth tastes like spinach dip so I get a little insecure.  I usually just go hide in the bathroom at the ball drop.  I've spent the first 15 seconds of the past three years peeing."

Mild-Mannered Receptionist Has No Weekend Plans, Just Glad It's Friday

Beverly Donan, a 53 year old divorced receptionist at a construction equipment rental company stated Friday that she had no weekend plans but was just glad that it was Friday. 

"Everyone was talking about all of the big plans that they had this weekend.  I heard 'Farmer's Market' thrown around a few times.  I even heard about some parade in the park.  Honestly, I just want to relax and listen to Delilah--It's been a stressful week.  Sometimes I feel like that cat!" explained Beverly pointing to her classic “Hang in There” poster.   

It's believed that Ms. Donan prefers to spend her weekend times at home relaxing with her Shar Pei or reading back issues of Reader's Digest. 

"I just feel awful.  My friend Sharon was saving all of these back issues for me and I swore I'd get around to reading them and could never have the time, between the bake sales for church and the weeds in the garden.  I think now may be a good time to get started.  I can't wait to see the jokes.  There are usually a few I can throw around at Sunday school that'll get a pretty good chuckle.   I should probably stay home anyway, Betsy, my Shar Pei has had a bladder infection so I've really had to watch her lately”

Ms. Donan's situation is believed to be unique in that she looks forward to Fridays ALL week. 

"I mean, as soon as Monday gets here I'm like 'Ahhh!..is it Friday yet?!?' Everyone chuckles, because they know it's not but they can't wait either." 

Whenever she gets stressed, she turns to her calendar of inspirational quotes, scented candles, and smooth jazz by John Tesh she keeps in her cubicle. 

“It would be nice to do brunch with some friends.  Most of mine are with their husbands on weekend mornings.  I suppose I could try online dating, but I just heard that there are so many crazy people on the internet.  I mean, I watched that Dateline show a few years back. ”

The most recent reports indicate that Ms. Donan is considering purchasing a cat.

Middle-Aged Man Still Not Sure What to be Calling Black People

During a recent conversation, Steven Harvey, age 45, of Indianapolis, Indiana, while being oblivious to the irony of his own name, explained to a friend that he is completely confused what to call black people living in the United States.

"I mean, whenever news anchors say something like 'The robbery suspect appeared to be an African-American man in his 20s' it's confusing because, really, what's African about him?  I mean, we already have an illegal immigration problem from Mexico as it is....now Africa?"

“I just feel bad calling someone ‘Black’” Harvey noted.  “I heard it’s kind of insulting.  I’m not really sure though.  I only know like two ‘black’ people, and we mostly just say ‘Hi’ and stuff so asking them is kind of out of the question.  I’ve heard that if one ‘black’ person has an opinion about something, then it represents the opinion of the entire race.  I thought about asking them to lunch one day, but I wasn’t sure I’d have anything to talk about.  I mean, it’s been FOREVER since I’ve seen ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ or ‘The Cosby Show’”.

“Who says you can listen to your parents?  My dad would always call them “colored”, but I’m like “what color?—we’re all a color.  I’m color blind, so it’s really confusing to me.  Not color blind in a ‘I’m not racist’ way, but I’m literally color blind.  To me there are only two types of people--the ones I can see in the dark and the ones I can’t.  It makes me nervous whenever I can’t see someone in the dark.” 

He added: “I really like that song by "Train" called "Hey Soul Sister", but I never know if I'm singing it correctly?  Is it "Sister" with an "r" or "Sista", like in "Sista, Sista".  All of those ‘r’ ‘s are confusing.  Sometimes I wish I had a Boston accent so I could avoid all of this awkwardness with ‘r's ‘.  I should probably look up the lyrics soon, I'm going to sing karaoke tonight with my wife and some of her old law school friends, so I'd like to be able to sing it without looking at the teleprompter.

New Restaurant Embraces Recent Trend in Earthy Delights

A New York restaurant has opened embracing the recent trend of gourmet dirt, serving only dishes consisting of dirt. Fresh off the heels of the recent "pickled grass laxative fad", health food gurus have stated that dirt is an excellent source of nutrients and vitamins.  Now people are flocking to embrace the trend. 

Restaurant patrons are raving "At first, it's a little gritty, but after about the fifth or sixth dish it's tolerable. I mean, it's not great, but when you see everyone else doing it, you just feel like you have to finish. All in all, it's worth the $25 a patty--especially when you see what they're charging for dirt in Los Angeles." 

The restaurant has been at full capacity since opening last month. It's extremely difficult to get a reservation unless you're an elite member of the community. Some restaurant patrons can even be seen leaving the restaurant with little stains of dirt on their clothing--a new status symbol. Dirt from all regions of the United States are being served, including dirt from Three Mile Island. According to some reports, the radioactivity may even enhance the nutritional benefits.  The restaurant even gives back to the community through hunger outreach programs. The owner of the restaurant stated on record.

"We here at 'Eat the Earth' feel that nobody in our community should go hungry and are committed to serving leftovers to soup kitchens and food pantries.  I mean, just because they're dirt poor, doesn't mean they don't deserve to get to eat some good dirt?  Am I right?" 

Chuckling he added "That jokes never gets old around the restaurant".