1. The ritualistic slaughter of a turkey in front of one's maternal grandparents is a tradition that dates back to 1245 as a ritualistic sacrifice to French Stewart.
2. Cranberry sauce was originally brought to the table because of it's resemblance of gelled blood, Puritan currency.
3. Puritans fled England originally because England wasn't ready for those sick bass lines they were about to drop.
4. There is nothing to be thankful for in this work because when we die our bodies rejoin the universe and become part of an endless, godless, cosmic void.
5. 1 in 3 deaths in the month of November are caused by food poisoning after sharing needles with raw turkeys.
6. Turkey is also the name of a country in Asia/Europe. That's pretty fun I guess.
7. Look at you sitting at the kid's table. You pathetic loser. I mean, why aren't you married yet. You blow every chance you've ever had at a relationship. Even the kids make fun of you. If you haven't pulled your life together by now, just give up.
8. You know what I'm thankful for? Not having to put up with you nagging mother anymore since we broke up. That lady really knows how to ruin cranberry sauce.
9. I didn't mean that.
10. I only say these things because I'm so passionate about you. You have that power over me. That's how much I love you.
11. Suicide rates usually spike during Christmas season because everyone is so disappointed at how your green bean casserole at Thanksgiving turned out.
