Man Knows Masturbation in Front of New Dog Inevitable

Although excited about the new 8 week old Irish Setter puppy he has purchased for his family, local man Jay Harrison is still nervous about the pet inevitably witnessing his daily masturbation rituals.

"It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when.  When I go at it a few times a day the dog is bound to walk in when I'm halfway through." voiced the 44 year-old father of three.

Sources indicate whenever he sees his three small children playing with the puppy, his mind soon wanders to the inevitable situation will arise.

"I'm honestly surprised it hasn't happened yet.  Our old dog was so used to seeing me go at it when nobody was home I didn't even think twice.  Seeing his furry body was basically just a prop in the room for me. Sometimes he'd even cover my feet while I was going at it--that's how used to it I got." a distracted Harrison remarked, looking away as his 5 year-old daughter cavorted jovially with the puppy in a moment that would melt any father's heart.  "Actually, I got so used to him sometimes I had trouble finishing without him warming my feet."

When the family's previous dog passed away, the faithful husband of 11 years responded "My first thought was 'Wow, going to be hard to tell the kids about this'.  My second thought was 'Uggh, here we go again.  I'll HAVE to get them another dog so  I'm going to have to break in another one.  We'll have to go through the awkwardness where he'll just stare at me every time I'm in the zone until he gets used to seeing it.  On the bright side, maybe the next dog won't bark each time.' "

"I'd imagine I need to do it sooner than later.  If we're going to have this kind of relationship, he needs to get used to seeing me do it.  Maybe if we start now he'll just think it's part of my routine, like brushing my teeth.
Next time my wife takes the kids to visit their grandmother in the nursing home, I'll fire up the laptop, put the new puppy in the room with me, and I'll go to town.  I figured after we do that four or five times it'll start getting a little less awkward."

Ridiculing Acquaintance's Old MySpace Profile Serves as Hours of Entertainment

Upon discovering the old MySpace profile of their mutual acquaintance, 25 year-old Ben Doorman, friends gathered around the page as the sheer quantity of adolescent awkwardness and sadness it contained soon became the highlight of the evening.

“Look at this kid,” chimed in Doorman’s best friend since graduating college, “he actually called himself "Mr. Brightside" and is wearing a "Vote for Pedro" shirt in his profile pic.  What was he thinking everyone would think?  'Wow...look at that shirt.  It's funny because it's the same one Napoleon wore in the movie' God, he's an awful human being.  His wife is pregnant.  Can you imagine if she knew?  She'd probably abort knowing that kid has half his DNA.”

Doorman’s childhood neighbor took the opportunity to chime in “Does he actually have a profile song set to "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter?!?.  Look, he actually has a bulletin entry titled ‘Bad Day’.  I need to go get a beer, this is too good.  Don’t read it without me.  Turn down the music, everyone needs to hear this stuff.”

Reading aloud he added, “Whenever I have a rough day I just listen to that song and it helps me get through.  I can't wait to see what other songs Daniel Powter writes that will speak to me.  I'm sure he has a long career ahead of him”

Pictures from Dashboard Confessional concerts, a blog about how Ashlee Simpson is the perfect woman, James Blunt lyrics, anti-Bush rants—all were present in a page that served as a time-capsule to what are, without a doubt, the worst years of Doorman’s life to date.

“Look at this picture set,” interrupted Doorman’s brother, who he has confided in on many a deep, personal issue, “He’s actually wearing eyeliner and an ‘American Idiot’ Green Day shirt.  The only idiots are the people around him who didn’t set him on fire.  Maybe us for actually hanging out with him”.  

He continued “Look at this blog.  It’s hilarious.  It’s two full pages about that chick Amanda that he was obsessed with.  He keeps talking about how he can’t get up the nerve to ask her out.  Hey Mike, didn’t you bang her after prom?” 

Catching his breath between laughs he added “He actually called that entry ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’.”

Most recent reports indicate the group is anxiously awaiting the weekend when they will meet to ridicule Doorman’s old LiveJournal entries.

"Six" Movies I'll Never Watch

I dusted this off from the archives from 2010.

1. " Bride Wars" starring Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway. 

If one of the symptoms of male menopause involves growing a vagina, then I may consider this one in about 30 years.

2. Any Disney movie starring "The Rock".

The downside of watching movies just to laugh at "The Rock" 's acting skills, is having to watch movies showcasing "The Rock" 's acting skills.

3. "How Stella got her Groove Back"

This may not be a terrible film, I'm probably just way too white to really get any of it.

4. Any movie Tim Allen made after 1997.

I would say ever, but as a kid I was duped into watching "The Santa Clause".  If the movie titile involves making a terrible pun, it's probably a sign that you're children will get worse grades than Asian kids after they watch it.

5. "Fever Pitch" starring Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore

As if the cast doesn't say enough, the Red Sox deserved to be cursed for another 90 years after this movie was made.

6.  "Twilight" movies after the first two.

To be fair, I did see the first two.  It was only because I was forced to by my ex-gf.  I spent the entire time in the theater picturing Ashley Greene naked and thinking "I'm too young to be any of these girls' dad, but just old enough that everyone probably thinks I'm just here to figure out which of them are 18."

Disguise

Hindsight is 20/20. Having a grasp on life and how life works once you've lived it is easy--there's no risk. Regardless of true intention, receiving advice from someone much older tends to ring with an air of condescension. “Look what I've done, why can't you"? The words of advice fall on not deaf ears, but ears of a paralyzed body. The bodies are hearing, listening, wanting to react but stuck in what the world has laid at our feet. True, maybe you see the caution lights blinking ahead of you, but it's much more fun to go exploring for yourself rather than take the safe way home. Youthful energy is a double-edged sword of an eagerness to explore coupled with an anxiety for what the future holds. Which side wins?

As small children we are all raised to believe that the future is a ray of light to be treasured and looked forward to, but life experience soon tells us that the future will certainly come with dark moments. First it’s a pet goldfish dying. Next it's your first heartbreak. Then comes a time when you may have to decide between rent and groceries. Sure, be young, have fun has a certain mantra but why is fun always associated with youth? An 85 year old telling someone to have fun and enjoy their life is very easy because they have finished their story and know the ending. They may have hit a few bumps on the way but probably have turned out to be okay. Even if not, like it or not, death is knocking around the corner and soon the plot will be resolved. Old age equals wisdom, because wisdom is just relief in disguise.

#YOLO

“When I grow up I want to be a faceless corporate drone". -Nobody

You only live once. YOLO. It’s become a mindless slogan uttered as without any thought. When was the last time anyone actually really thought about the meaning of the phrase outside of the meme worthy catchiness of it? Usually it’s implied to go out, seize the day, and enjoy the fruits of what the world has to offer. To live, though, requires LIVING. And LIVING requires means—usually that cost a lot of money. You can never put a price tag on memories, but even if you could, they’ll never pay rent.

You need money to live—it’s a cold hard fact of life. If everyone worked their dream job the world would be full of astronauts, rock stars, and actors/actresses while trash overflowed in the streets. We act out of necessity in order to gain a sense of security and with that security we give up a piece of our freedom. Without this exchange the world would not function. Whether your safety net comes from the dredge of a boring nine to five or financial support from your parents, it's a must. Sometimes the good life is just a dangling carrot—existing, but not for the taking. Some are fortunate and get to go live out some of the best years of life in a care-free, fun environment. Most do not.

My worst fear is to get stuck in a mindless routine, count the days to Friday, blink, realize half of my life has gone by and that I’ve lived only 2/7 of it. People like to ask “Where did the time go?” They simply don't realize how easy it is to miss when they're couting down the days until Friday. I need the other 5/7th. After all, you only live once.

Out of season, but on a more serious note

On a more serious note, I realize this piece is a bit out of season.  I can say, however, the themes are pretty relevant year-round.  I was going through old writings and thought I'd share.

I’m a non-Christian and I love Christmas.  Certain people tell me I have no right to that, but Christmas isn’t a Christian holiday.  Anyone that wants to parrot the phrase "Jesus is the reason for the season" could benefit from a quick Google search on Pagan winter solstice celebrations and what scholars believe to be the actual birthdate of Christ.  I don’t have to believe in a particular religion to appreciate the beauty of a huge Christmas tree decorated to the nines.  I don’t have to believe in a particular religion to appreciate an excuse to hang out with friends and drink egg nog in tacky sweaters.  I don’t have to believe in a particular religion to feel a warm grip of nostalgia when I think about sitting in the basement, home from Christmas break, wrapping Christmas presents and watching “A Christmas Story” for the 5th time in a month.  Christmas is a religious holiday and money is the religion. Why waste energy fighting it?

My four-year-old self wasn't capable of wrapping my brain around the concept of "commercial", at least not to the degree that my brain can now.  Christmas was about one thing to me—presents. Presents=awesome so therefore Christmas=awesome. Can you name anything today that excites you SO MUCH that you can’t wait to jump out of bed at 6AM?  I can’t wait to feel so alive about something again.  No matter what happens, I’ll always have those memories stuffed away in my brain.  Dressing in stuffy clothes to my bi-annual trip to Church where I was bored with a bunch of stories that I was too young to understand but just old enough to feel guilty for not believing in certainly didn’t make me race out of the bedroom on Christmas morning.  I knew better, but my love for toys was enough to make me ignore the flawed logic of a man in a suit visiting every house in the world in a few hour window to deliver them toys for no other reason than out of the kindness of his heart.  My love for toys was enough to make me overlook the flawed logic that a bunch of elves in a toy shop could possibly build a fully functional Sega Genesis in a box with packaging that perfectly matches what I’d find in a store. Denial is a powerful tool.  When life is good, you don’t ask questions.

Over the years it gradually mattered less.  I really didn’t care if I received a single gift.  The season mattered.  Strangers are a little nicer to one another.  The world takes a deep breath.  People take vacations and connect with people that really matter.  As I’ve grown older, I will take these things over a useless hunk of plastic that will probably end up broken or lost by February anyway.  My four-year-old self didn't appreciate that Christmas is one time of year that my relatives all gather under one roof—even if I’m not that close to any of them.  My four-year-old self didn't appreciate the phrase “good will toward men”.  My 29-year-old self does. 

Christmas connects us to the past.  Whether it’s the memories of people, things, places, or events of the past—we all have them. Whether a Christmas is fantastic or uneventful, we’re forced to examine our feelings and perceptions of it.  A rejection of Christmas is, in itself, an acknowledgment of its cultural grip.

This Christmas, if you feel like buying gifts for the people in your life because you want to spread joy to them—that's awesome.  If you don’t, and just want to celebrate the holiday for the feelings of cheer—that’s okay too.  The holidays are the one time of the year we’re forced to confront the idea of making memories, whether or not we’re ready or comfortable with it.  Christmas is completely commercialized, but what isn’t?  We have no control over the advertisers and the retailers, only how we react.  Decide whether you want to celebrate Christmas or you want to celebrate possession. If you feel obligated to buy gifts because the calendar says so, then you’re the reason why Christmas is commercialized.  If having a commercial Christmas gives you a happy Christmas, go for it.  Happiness is the point of Christmas after all, regardless of manifestation.  It won’t affect me.  I’ll be watching “A Christmas Story”.

Guy Really Not Sure What He's Doing for New Year's Eve

Jeff Korgan, a 33 year-old claims adjuster, announced today that he's not really sure what he'll be doing this year on New Year's Eve.

"I mean, I definitely want to do something.  I'm just not sure what quite yet.  I kind of want to go out, but everything is so expensive.  A few of my friends are having people over, but I'm not really sure where I'll end up.  Ben, from work, is having people over and I might go there, but I don't really know him THAT well.  Plus, the one time I met his wife she kind of rubbed me the wrong way."

Korgan is known throughout the company as having the ability to make a mean spinach dip for any kind of social gathering.

"Not to brag, but I make any excuse I can to whip it out.  It's been compared to the spinach dip from the deli counter at the grocery.  The good grocery—not the run-down one.  Yeah--that good."

Korgan, reportedly, never really gets THAT drunk so he usually serves as a partial DD for some of his drunker friends.

“Yeah, I mean, I might have a beer or two, but I don’t really drink that much.  I just want to see my friends have fun and get home safely.  I don’t mind driving them around a little.  It gets me out if I don’t find anything else to do.  Occasionally I get a meal at Denny’s out of it.”

Korgan, like many other single early 30 somethings has trouble with he midnight kiss.

"It's awkward.  Everyone else is kissing and I'm just standing there staring.  There's usually a drunk girl around somewhere, but kissing her usually feels kind of rapey and my mouth tastes like spinach dip so I get a little insecure.  I usually just go hide in the bathroom at the ball drop.  I've spent the first 15 seconds of the past three years peeing."

Mild-Mannered Receptionist Has No Weekend Plans, Just Glad It's Friday

Beverly Donan, a 53 year old divorced receptionist at a construction equipment rental company stated Friday that she had no weekend plans but was just glad that it was Friday. 

"Everyone was talking about all of the big plans that they had this weekend.  I heard 'Farmer's Market' thrown around a few times.  I even heard about some parade in the park.  Honestly, I just want to relax and listen to Delilah--It's been a stressful week.  Sometimes I feel like that cat!" explained Beverly pointing to her classic “Hang in There” poster.   

It's believed that Ms. Donan prefers to spend her weekend times at home relaxing with her Shar Pei or reading back issues of Reader's Digest. 

"I just feel awful.  My friend Sharon was saving all of these back issues for me and I swore I'd get around to reading them and could never have the time, between the bake sales for church and the weeds in the garden.  I think now may be a good time to get started.  I can't wait to see the jokes.  There are usually a few I can throw around at Sunday school that'll get a pretty good chuckle.   I should probably stay home anyway, Betsy, my Shar Pei has had a bladder infection so I've really had to watch her lately”

Ms. Donan's situation is believed to be unique in that she looks forward to Fridays ALL week. 

"I mean, as soon as Monday gets here I'm like 'Ahhh!..is it Friday yet?!?' Everyone chuckles, because they know it's not but they can't wait either." 

Whenever she gets stressed, she turns to her calendar of inspirational quotes, scented candles, and smooth jazz by John Tesh she keeps in her cubicle. 

“It would be nice to do brunch with some friends.  Most of mine are with their husbands on weekend mornings.  I suppose I could try online dating, but I just heard that there are so many crazy people on the internet.  I mean, I watched that Dateline show a few years back. ”

The most recent reports indicate that Ms. Donan is considering purchasing a cat.

Middle-Aged Man Still Not Sure What to be Calling Black People

During a recent conversation, Steven Harvey, age 45, of Indianapolis, Indiana, while being oblivious to the irony of his own name, explained to a friend that he is completely confused what to call black people living in the United States.

"I mean, whenever news anchors say something like 'The robbery suspect appeared to be an African-American man in his 20s' it's confusing because, really, what's African about him?  I mean, we already have an illegal immigration problem from Mexico as it is....now Africa?"

“I just feel bad calling someone ‘Black’” Harvey noted.  “I heard it’s kind of insulting.  I’m not really sure though.  I only know like two ‘black’ people, and we mostly just say ‘Hi’ and stuff so asking them is kind of out of the question.  I’ve heard that if one ‘black’ person has an opinion about something, then it represents the opinion of the entire race.  I thought about asking them to lunch one day, but I wasn’t sure I’d have anything to talk about.  I mean, it’s been FOREVER since I’ve seen ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ or ‘The Cosby Show’”.

“Who says you can listen to your parents?  My dad would always call them “colored”, but I’m like “what color?—we’re all a color.  I’m color blind, so it’s really confusing to me.  Not color blind in a ‘I’m not racist’ way, but I’m literally color blind.  To me there are only two types of people--the ones I can see in the dark and the ones I can’t.  It makes me nervous whenever I can’t see someone in the dark.” 

He added: “I really like that song by "Train" called "Hey Soul Sister", but I never know if I'm singing it correctly?  Is it "Sister" with an "r" or "Sista", like in "Sista, Sista".  All of those ‘r’ ‘s are confusing.  Sometimes I wish I had a Boston accent so I could avoid all of this awkwardness with ‘r's ‘.  I should probably look up the lyrics soon, I'm going to sing karaoke tonight with my wife and some of her old law school friends, so I'd like to be able to sing it without looking at the teleprompter.

New Restaurant Embraces Recent Trend in Earthy Delights

A New York restaurant has opened embracing the recent trend of gourmet dirt, serving only dishes consisting of dirt. Fresh off the heels of the recent "pickled grass laxative fad", health food gurus have stated that dirt is an excellent source of nutrients and vitamins.  Now people are flocking to embrace the trend. 

Restaurant patrons are raving "At first, it's a little gritty, but after about the fifth or sixth dish it's tolerable. I mean, it's not great, but when you see everyone else doing it, you just feel like you have to finish. All in all, it's worth the $25 a patty--especially when you see what they're charging for dirt in Los Angeles." 

The restaurant has been at full capacity since opening last month. It's extremely difficult to get a reservation unless you're an elite member of the community. Some restaurant patrons can even be seen leaving the restaurant with little stains of dirt on their clothing--a new status symbol. Dirt from all regions of the United States are being served, including dirt from Three Mile Island. According to some reports, the radioactivity may even enhance the nutritional benefits.  The restaurant even gives back to the community through hunger outreach programs. The owner of the restaurant stated on record.

"We here at 'Eat the Earth' feel that nobody in our community should go hungry and are committed to serving leftovers to soup kitchens and food pantries.  I mean, just because they're dirt poor, doesn't mean they don't deserve to get to eat some good dirt?  Am I right?" 

Chuckling he added "That jokes never gets old around the restaurant".