Before I begin: Disclaimer:  All "news stories" listed on this blog and "news stories" posted in the future are entirely satirical and the names are fictitious.  If the names, ages, and location bear any likeness to actual individuals it is purely coincidental.

The Swagger Coach’s Guide to Dating

What makes ME think that I can teach YOU about swagger?  Let’s just say that I got my mom pregnant on the way out of her.  How is that biologically possible you ask?  If you have you ask, you just won’t understand swag.  You know that feeling in your mouth just after you brush your teeth and take a drink of cold water—I’m that, but for the waist down.   You may feel like you’re getting raped by a poltergeist. Ah…but what have you actually done to prove your massive exploits you ask?  I’m the reason that the age of consent is 18.  It has nothing to do with morality, it was just that too many girls were staying out too late on school nights.  People sometimes come to me asking me how to spread the swag.  I just stare at them until they’re pregnant and laugh.  My voice is hoarse from all of the laughing and describing my sexual exploits so I’ll attempt to explain.

How to meet a woman:  If you meet an attractive woman in public, make sure she’s single first.  “Excuse me, are you not wearing a wedding ring because you’re single or because you’ve gained so much weight since you got married that it doesn’t fit on your fat finger anymore?” is a great icebreaker.   In the 21st century online dating is convenient.  It’s important that she feels at ease when meeting you online.  When browsing her profile let her know “Don’t worry, I’m not photogenic either.”   Of course it’s a lie, but it’ll put her mind at ease.  Since women love communication in the early stages of a relationship, you may as well go ahead and be upfront and honest that you’re saving her profile pics on your hard drive for when you don’t feel like having to browse the internet for pictures for self-pleasure.  She’ll take it as a compliment that you find her so beautiful.   If you get in a pinch for finding a quick date, the Planned Parenthood clinic is a viable option.  The negative—not all of the girls here are single.  The positive—they can’t get pregnant twice.
Be original when you ask her out:  Although she’ll be taken back a little when you compare her to Robocop, she’ll take it as a compliment once you explain to her that it’s your favorite movie.  Sometimes women don’t realize that they’re on a “date” until about halfway through.  There are ways around this.  If you pull up a chair and sit and stare long enough, eventually her friends will get up from the table at the restaurant and leave you two alone to get acquainted.  She’ll appreciate the spontaneity of the “forced date” approach to asking her out and will have no choice but to look forward to a more traditional setting the next time. If you follow this advice, at the end of the first traditional date the girl will always  say “Thanks for the great time, I had a lot of fun.”  The only reply is an honest one—“Well, I’ve been in a slump lately so I figured it was time to lower my standards.  You’ve been a great slump-buster.”

In the Bedroom:  If a woman cries during sex, it’s nothing to be alarmed of.  They’re just happy tears telling you to push harder.  It’s inevitable that she’s going to compliment you on your endurance.  Just let her know “It’s easy since you’re not that attractive.”  She’ll be so happy she got an entire seven minutes on the swag bone that she won’t even care.  After you finish, roll over and say to her “You should get checked now” as you bop her on the nose-- “for being so darn cute.” -- It never hurts to bring a little sense of humor into the bedroom.

Gifts:  Use sparingly—if she starts liking you too much it’ll be harder to get rid of her after you sleep with her.  Gifts should be reserved strictly for holidays when you have to give gifts.  I find that the following make great gift ideas: The peg games from Cracker Barrel, a movie poster from “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York”, a copy of “Shaq Fu” for Sega Genesis, or a to-go box (a full box…don’t skimp) of stolen peanuts from Texas Roadhouse .  Make sure to forget her birthday too.  If you start “remembering birthdays” she may start expecting you to “”call her by the correct name during sex”.  It’s a slippery slope.  An excellent gift for Valentine’s Day is a heart-shaped box of candies, but instead of candies just a prescription for the morning after pill dated February 15th.  A note stating “You’ll be needing this.  You’re welcome.” will make her appreciate your cleverness and will deliver the element of surprise women love.  Perfume works great as a gift as long as you attach a clever note “I noticed you fart a lot, so this should cover it up.”  This is proof that the best gifts are the ones that are heartfelt and practical.

Dining:  If you MUST take her out to romantic restaurant, it should only be as a cover for your true intention—to slip a tapeworm into her food.  She’ll be really grateful that she won’t have to go to the gym to lose weight.  She may even forget that you were eating Filet Mignon while you forced her to eat bananas and popsicles that you brought because she “can use the practice for later”.

Meeting her Family:  Chances are this will be done at a meal as well.  Go ahead and steal food from her plate.  When she asks why, explain “I don’t want you getting a big fat ass like your mom here.”  I think everyone will appreciate you clearing the air on her mom’s fat ass.  Let her sister know “I love how you try to downplay your looks.  It makes it look like you aren’t trying too hard.  Part of me was hoping that you’d be an adopted Asian sister so when you eventually sleep with me like your sister has I can satisfy that craving I’ve had for Asian chicks lately.”

Relationships take Work: Personally I don’t believe in relationships.  “Relationships” are what I call a situation when I’m boning a girl on a regular basis.  Sometimes it’s a good idea to tell your lady that she’s gained weight, whether she has or not.  This will keep her on her toes so she doesn’t.  If she ends up gaining too much she’ll be afraid that you’ll break up with her.  Use this to your advantage.  Let her know “Hey, look on the bright side—now I really don’t have to worry about you cheating because you’re too gross for anyone else to want you.”  Women love a man that can put those fears at ease.  If your woman asks why you date her, it’s a trap.  Tell her what she wants to hear—“Well, I figured it was time to be less shallow and stop caring so much about looks.”  Part of having swag is using little nicknames that women love.  Most guys go with “babe” or “sweetheart”.  These names are generic and insincere.  Go with something that really describes her like “squirter.”

Fashion:  You have to look to part if you’re going to bring the swag.  I find that you can’t go wrong with flesh-colored spandex (gives the illusion of an innocent pre-pubescent look), anything Muppets, or silk tiger stripes .  Feel free to help your woman out with her style as well.  When she’s not home, burn the clothes in her closet (otherwise she’ll be tempted to wear them again) and replace them all with 1980s power suits.  She’ll be thanking you when they inevitably come back in style.

This should be a good starting point to help you get your swag on.  You may run into the issue of “all of the women are with me so you’ll have to wait your turn”, but it’s okay—I sleep occasionally.  Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have sex with over 20,000 women.  His efforts to keep up were kind of adorable.  If you hear something that sounds like popcorn popping, that’s just me popping hymens, one after another.   I hope somebody learns from me, because I won’t live forever and the women of the world can only do so much with the penis castings they’ve been making from me.  Until someone invents voodoo dildos, this article will just have to do.