Because horses, that's why.
1. For the ladies, the more elaborate your hat the better. For a small fee Gary Busey will remove his teeth and mail them to you to glue to your hat for a decorative spin that will make you the belle of the ball. You better hurry though. Supplies are limited since it takes 24 hours for Gary Busey to grow a new row of teeth and he only has 100 teeth per row.
2. Check out the Kentucky Derby Museum. For a limited time the price of admission includes a photo op with one of Secretariat's knee caps on display.
3. Play a fun guessing game to figure out which adults shorter than 5 ft tall are jockeys and which are illegal immigrants working in the horse stalls. The answers may surprise you!! Loser has to sit on the toilet seat of an infield Port-a-Pot for 30 seconds.
4. When entering the gates, joke with security that you're sneaking in alcohol by inserting it in your rectum. When they do the cavity search, they'll have a good laugh when there is no alcohol, but just a note that says "Gotcha!".
5. Add a fun twist to the Mint Julep by taking out the bourbon, sugar, and mint and replacing it with a drink that tastes good.
6. While in town, check out some of Louisville's lesser known attractions. Among them are a Rally's with indoor seating, a TGI Friday's with a painting of a horse race at the bar, some guy that still uses a pager, a Chipotle with this guy working that sometimes will hook you up with guac without making you pay extra if you seem cool, a restaurant that serves A&W AND Long John Silver's (I'm like WHAAAT?!?), and a shopping mall with a place to charge your phone while you sit in a circle with a bunch of strangers.
7. For an authentic Louisville experience, get drunk on bourbon, carry a Louisville slugger into a KFC and threaten to "go all Muhammad Ali on someone's ass unless you get a mouth stuffed with chicken". Afterwards apply for a job at Humana and ask everyone you see where they went to high school.
8. The track is a great place for celebrity watching. Among celebs rumored to be at this year's races are: the guy that played DJ on Roseanne, Linda Tripp, the former bass player from Lifehouse, Taylor Swift, "Touched by an Angel" star Della Reese, and sixth season American Idol contest Sanjaya Malakar. Since we don't want to perpetuate rumors we decided to verify and yes, these people are all still alive.
9. It's a little known fact, but you can bet on ANYTHING at the windows, not just horse races. Think of it like a secret menu. Bets placed in the past have included "Which member of Rockapella will quit first?", "Is that thing on Adam Levine's face infected?", and "Did Hitler fake his suicide and is still alive and working as a fry cook in Myrtle Beach under the assumed name Dolph Bitler?"
Have fun and just remember. No matter what happens, some horse will embarrass itself by coming in dead last.
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