Four Tables at Every Brunch

1. Couple (only in the literal sense of the word meaning two people. They aren't an item) that clearly just met one another and are only here after a night of sex. They figured they'd stop here and kill time while they wait for the pharmacy next door to open. Can you take the morning after pill with alcohol? It'll be truly adorable when they finally learn each others' last names.

2. Table full of twenty-something women/girls. Depending on your definition. That bitch Amanda wasn't invited this time because she didn't make Kelsey one of her bridesmaids. The mimosa was invented for this table. It's just one more stop on the weekend drinking train and delay the inevitable transition into real adulthood. Orange juice is made of fruit. That's kind of adult. Kind of. One of their names is Emma, otherwise it doesn't count.

3. Couple that clearly hates each other and has been together so long that they're in too deep to call it quits because both are terrified of the prospect of being alone. Brunch to them is just another cog in the wheel of something to do and fantasize . They're going through the motions and these motions are that they can drink and stare at each other while eating something new. Maybe one of them will work up enough courage to suggest and open relationship. Otherwise it's just drunken naps in separate rooms of the apartment later.

4. Happy family. Mom, dad, two kids. One toddler making a mess. This is the first breakfast in six months that doesn't involve premade chocolate milk and Pop-Tarts for the kids. Kids are playing a game on their separate iPads and still finding a way to argue with each other. This is quality family time. Dad is currently trying to ogle the waitress while in between pretending to listen to his wife talk about how the new girl at work is clearly trying to turn Linda from accounting against her.